Scientific Insights into Family Dynamics When NRIs Return to India
Dr. Kalia, a physician with 40+ years in the US, uses neuroscience and primatology to explain why family conflicts arise when NRIs return to India. Learn about dominance hierarchies, the science behind mother-in-law dynamics, and how to prepare your family for a successful return.
AAvinash Peddi
September 19, 2024Sep 19, 202415 minShare:
Expert Insights • Last Updated: November 30, 2025
Scientific Insights into Family Dynamics When NRIs Return to India
Dr. Kalia, a physician with 40+ years in the US, uses neuroscience and primatology to explain why family conflicts arise and how NRIs can prepare for a successful return to India.
Key Takeaways
- Family conflicts are biological—we inherited hierarchical behavior from primates
- Mother-in-law dynamics are about dominance and personal space, not personality
- Western habits can shock traditional families—discuss everything beforehand
- Living nearby vs. same household may be the solution for many families
- Chronic family conflict causes real health damage—high BP, diabetes risk
Dr. Kalia's Background
Dr. Kalia brings a unique perspective shaped by his journey from a small Punjab town to becoming a physician in the United States.
Early Life
- Birthplace: Phillaur, a small town in Punjab
- Father's profession: Worked for RAW (Research and Analysis Wing—Indian CIA)
- Bhutan years: Lived in Bhutan 1976-1980 (father posted at Indian Embassy)
- Education: 11th and 12th grade in Phillaur
- Move to US: Age 19, in 1983
US Education & Career
- Bachelor's: Chemistry from Purdue University, Indiana
- Medical School: Indiana University
- Specialization: Internal Medicine, Indiana University
- Affiliation: Indiana University hospitals since 1992
- Current status: Federal employee (US government)
His Perspective on India and US
"I love India—the soil of India has provided food to my ancestors for at least 5,000 years, maybe as many as 30,000 years. The government of India employed my dad, provided us a steady paycheck. We were always well-fed, never hungry, always had clothes and housing."
"I love United States also—this is a country that has nurtured my mind, given me higher education, wonderful employment. I have raised two wonderful daughters here."
Journey into Neuroscience
Dr. Kalia's interest in neuroscience came from unexpected and disturbing experiences during his medical training.
The Forensic Pathology Rotation
During medical school, Dr. Kalia did a rotation in forensic pathology—determining causes of death:
- Natural causes: Normal funeral proceedings
- Homicide: Someone needs to be prosecuted
- Suicide: Understanding why people take their lives
- Fourth category: What he didn't anticipate...
⚠️ The Disturbing Discovery
In the late 1980s-90s, Dr. Kalia encountered something that shaped his career:
- Elderly or disabled people who died alone
- Nobody checking on them daily
- Bodies decomposing for weeks or months
- When Caucasian bodies decompose, they turn pitch black
- White spots on the body—not rice, but maggots
"These are people who passed away through no crime of their own. They didn't cause any harm, but they passed away and nobody knows about them—whether they're living or dead. I found that scene so disturbing."
The Brain Moment
Opening the skull of a decomposed body:
- Brain fell into his hand as gray jello
- Not the normal brain pictures we're used to
- Made him question: "Is this what life is all about in the end?"
- This sparked his deep interest in neuroscience
The Phenomenon
Dr. Kalia discovered this happens worldwide:
- More common in Western/developed countries
- Also happens in big cities in India
- Happens in Japan, Korea, Europe
- Western societies are 100-200 years ahead in this phenomenon
The Science Behind Family Conflicts
Dr. Kalia references the work of Stanford neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky to explain human family dynamics. Understanding this science can help NRIs prepare for family adjustment challenges when returning.
The Baboon Studies
Sapolsky studied baboons in Kenya's national reserves because:
- Baboons are most representative of humans (Homo sapiens)
- Studied in natural environment, not zoos
- Zoo behavior is modified—not authentic
The Hierarchy Discovery
"In every tribe there is an alpha male—the top leader, the big kahuna. Then there is alpha-minus-1, alpha-minus-2, alpha-minus-3. To every member of the tribe, it's most important that their rank should be preserved."
Key finding: Even alpha-minus-14 is willing to fight alpha-minus-15, 16, 17 just to keep his rank.
Application to Humans
- Humans in natural environments also have hierarchical ranks
- Whole society is structured with these ranks
- We do not want to lose our rank
- This applies directly to family dynamics
Family Hierarchy Dynamics
Understanding how hierarchy plays out in Indian families.
Established Family Ranks
- Dad: Has his rank and responsibilities
- Mom: Has her rank (often controls kitchen domain)
- Children: Have their ranks based on age, gender
- In a functional, loving family, this continues for decades
⚠️ The Problem: New Family Members
Something strange happens when a stranger enters the family:
- A son-in-law or daughter-in-law joins
- They must navigate where they fit in the hierarchy
- Nobody wants to be lowest on the rung
- New person has aspirations to improve their rank
- Existing members want to maintain their rank
"The problem happens when you are young and go into a new family. We all crave the same thing—love, respect, to be part of a family unit where our feelings are kept in mind."
Mother-in-Law Conflicts Explained
Dr. Kalia provides a scientific explanation for one of the most common family conflicts.
The Kitchen Domain
- Mother-in-law typically controls the kitchen
- She has her way: "Chakla and belan on the right side of the cooking range"
- Daughter-in-law might put them on the left side
- These small things create friction
The "Private Space" Concept
Dr. Kalia uses a beach analogy:
"If you go to a large beach that's empty, you put your towel down. You don't want someone to come sit right next to you within 3 feet when the whole beach is 50 acres. As the beach gets crowded, you tolerate people near you."
In families, people are crowding each other's space, and animals (including humans) want to establish dominance over their space.
The Dowry Connection
Dr. Kalia connects this to the dowry phenomenon:
- Partly about economic resources
- Partly about dominance
- "You should have given us this much and you didn't"
- Creates ill will from the start
What He Observed as a Doctor
Serving 4,000+ Indian families in Central Indiana:
- Families would come for medical help
- Mother-in-law would say: "I'm depressed"
- Daughter-in-law would also say: "I'm depressed"
- Reality: "They basically hate each other's guts"
- Both expected a pill to fix it—but no such pill exists
"We in Western medical science have not discovered any such pill yet, nor are we likely to discover it anytime in the next 50 to 100 years."
Western Habits and Traditional Families
When NRIs return with Western habits, it can create significant friction with traditional families.
Freedom in the West
Dr. Kalia references a video of a woman from San Francisco:
- Could get up in the middle of the night, hire an Uber, go anywhere
- Could lay on a beach, do anything—nobody stopping her
- Full freedom, but with it comes full responsibility
- No help for anything—if sick, no one to care for you
⚠️ The Culture Shock Examples
"Can you imagine if you go to a traditional family on a family vacation and you get your bikini out and jump in the pool? That's going to create a scene. Your mother-in-law is ready to have a heart attack while you're having a party."
Other examples:
- Alcohol consumption: Many Western women drink—not accepted in traditional families
- Clothing choices: Western attire may shock conservative relatives
- Independence: Used to making decisions without consulting family
The NRI Moms Facebook Group
Dr. Kalia discovered a Facebook group called "NRI Moms":
- Huge amount of conflict about drinking alcohol or not
- Conflicts already present while in the US
- Taking these conflicts to an Indian household = "recipe for disaster"
- Old embers can explode when returning
Benefits of Extended Families
Dr. Kalia explains what NRIs often overlook about extended families.
✅ The Hidden Benefits
- Economic safety net: If one person loses income, family won't throw them out
- Child care support: Help with raising children
- Elder care: Someone to look after aging parents
- Emotional support: Not dying alone and undiscovered
"If two brothers and dad are living together and one loses income, they're not going to throw the third person out on the street."
Historical Context
Extended families were designed by necessity:
- 200-400 years ago, most people died within 7 miles of birthplace
- No airplanes, trains, automobiles
- Land was divided between brothers—all lived nearby
- In loving families, nobody would let family members die alone
What Young People Focus On
The problem:
- Young people focus on kitchen conflicts and family room conflicts
- Benefits of extended family come further down the road
- Brain cannot focus on multiple problems at once
- Day-to-day conflict is in immediate focus
Advice for NRIs
Dr. Kalia provides practical advice for families planning to return to India.
✅ The Key: Complete Honesty
"For families to function properly, everybody has to be honest. Put your cards honestly on the floor."
Example: If alcohol is important to you:
- Tell your husband: "I'm not going to stop drinking just because we're in UP or Kolkata"
- Ask in-laws: "Is that going to be acceptable?"
- If not acceptable, don't live in the same household—live nearby
Don't Surprise People
- If something bothers you, say it beforehand
- Don't wait until you're in the situation
- Some families might decide: "This is never going to work for us in India"
- That's okay—better to know before moving
The Premarital Counseling Idea
Dr. Kalia's vision:
- 3-6 month course of premarital counseling
- Young people should understand what challenges come
- Whole family should be involved—both sides
- Learn about these dynamics before marriage
- Leads to happier, harmonious life
"Our civilization really does nothing to prepare us as families for how to manage this potential conflict situation."
The Health Impact
Living in hostile environments affects health:
- Sympathetic nervous system constantly activated
- Blood pressure stays high
- Stress eating leads to weight gain
- Cholesterol goes up
- Increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, strokes
The Singapore Conversation
Dr. Kalia spoke with a gentleman from Singapore:
- Got stuck in India during COVID with extended family
- Six people in a small confined space
- So much hostility, he said: "Good thing we don't have guns in India"
- Otherwise there could have been "mass shooting in our family"
Key Takeaways
Summary of Dr. Kalia's Insights
- Hierarchy is biological—we inherited it from primates
- Family conflicts are about dominance and space
- Extended families have benefits often overlooked
- Western habits can shock traditional families
- Honesty is critical—discuss everything beforehand
- Living nearby may be better than same household
- Chronic conflict damages health significantly
"Every human being's goal is to be happy, healthy, and productive. This doesn't accidentally happen—you have to have an umbrella to stop the rain. Same way, these conflicts are going to fall on you whether you learn how to manage them or let them accidentally fall on you."
Preparing for Family Dynamics After Your Return?
Connect with others who've navigated these challenges. Get practical advice from families who've successfully managed the transition.
Learn from those who've successfully navigated family dynamics.
Frequently Asked Questions
A:
Dr. Kalia explains using primatology: 'In every tribe there is an alpha male—the top leader. Then there is alpha-minus-1, alpha-minus-2. To every member of the tribe, it's most important that their rank should be preserved. Even alpha-minus-14 is willing to fight alpha-minus-15, 16, 17 just to keep his rank.' When NRIs return, they must navigate where they fit in the family hierarchy, creating potential conflict. The problem: 'Nobody wants to be lowest on the rung. New person has aspirations to improve their rank while existing members want to maintain theirs.'
A:
Dr. Kalia's key advice: 'For families to function properly, everybody has to be honest. Put your cards honestly on the floor.' Example: If alcohol is important to you, tell your husband: 'I'm not going to stop drinking just because we're in UP or Kolkata.' Ask in-laws: 'Is that going to be acceptable?' If not acceptable, don't live in the same household—live nearby. He emphasizes: 'Don't surprise people. If something bothers you, say it beforehand.'
A:
Dr. Kalia suggests considering alternatives: 'If not acceptable, don't live in the same household—live nearby.' He explains the benefits of extended families: 'Economic safety net—if one person loses income, family won't throw them out. Child care support. Elder care. Emotional support—not dying alone.' But he warns: 'Young people focus on kitchen conflicts and family room conflicts. Benefits of extended family come further down the road.'
A:
Dr. Kalia explains: 'Mother-in-law typically controls the kitchen. She has her way: chakla and belan on the right side. Daughter-in-law might put them on the left side. These small things create friction.' He uses a beach analogy: 'If you go to a large beach that's empty, you put your towel down. You don't want someone to come sit right next to you within 3 feet when the whole beach is 50 acres.' In families, people are 'crowding each other's space' and want to 'establish dominance.'
A:
Dr. Kalia warns: 'Can you imagine if you go to a traditional family on a family vacation and you get your bikini out and jump in the pool? That's going to create a scene. Your mother-in-law is ready to have a heart attack while you're having a party.' He discovered an 'NRI Moms' Facebook group with 'huge amount of conflict about drinking alcohol or not. Conflicts already present while in the US. Taking these conflicts to an Indian household = recipe for disaster.'
A:
Dr. Kalia, serving 4,000+ Indian families as a physician, observed: 'Mother-in-law would say I'm depressed. Daughter-in-law would also say I'm depressed. Reality: They basically hate each other's guts.' Health impacts: 'Sympathetic nervous system constantly activated. Blood pressure stays high. Stress eating leads to weight gain. Cholesterol goes up. Increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, strokes.' He notes: 'Living in a hostile environment is like living like a hostage.'
A:
Dr. Kalia's vision: '3-6 month course of premarital counseling. Young people should understand what challenges come. Whole family should be involved—both sides. Learn about these dynamics before marriage.' He emphasizes: 'Our civilization really does nothing to prepare us as families for how to manage this potential conflict situation. Every human being's goal is to be happy, healthy, and productive. This doesn't accidentally happen—you have to have an umbrella to stop the rain.'
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